Just been in to drop off some pressies for the team at the Red House care home. Such a wonderful team of people. Still have images in my head of Mum sat smiling in the the conservatory enjoying the Saturday morning sun (always my favourite time to visit). So difficult to imagine Christmas going ahead without her, but strangely I feel very comforted that her presence is felt so clearly.

Weird week with snow and disruption. Close to the end now though and Christmas just around the corner. Very ready for a break, but it’s been a decent year from a work perspective, so got a content feeling. Cannot believe that I have all family presents have been bought and wrapped, totally in control… I think!

Well, I kept thinking about what the weatherman said
And if the voices of the living can be heard by the dead
Well, the day is gonna come when we find out
And in some kinda way I take a little comfort from that (now and then)
Cause people often talk about being scared of change
But for me I’m more afraid of things staying the same
Cause the game is never won by standing in any one place for too long

Jesus Of The Moon, from Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!!

Love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you’re blown apart.

Paul Simon, Graceland.

Had the iPod playlist from Mum’s funeral service playing round the shops today. The Beatles, Eric Clapton, Small Faces, Paul Weller etc. Sad and good times. Can’t believe I nearly lost it in Sainsbury’s, but so nice to have her back with me for an hour or so.

Larking about with the girls, then curry, beers, The Event, tea and chocolate, on the sofa with Liz. So glad it’s Friday.

It’s weird how the disruption extreme weather brings can result in a kind of disjointed surrealism. People have lost their routines and find themselves out of sync. Me included. Felt eery driving home last night, like a brief visit to another planet, or Earth after some natural disaster. Not sure I’m intrigued the disruption or cursing it, more just feeling a bit numb to it all. Even our girls seem a little underwhelmed by the experience (I’d be going mental about this much snow when I was 9!). Throw in a dead body in the river only 20 yards from our front door and it’s borderline Twin Peaks. At least the police are friendly.

Only at the end of November but it feels like the year is already at its end. There is a stack of work to get through so no slacking off for the Xmas break yet (only glorious pressure!). I am wondering if that drive to earn and progress I had over the last 2 years or so can genuinley be sustained for much longer. Could be a phase but I seem to be craving some bog standard routine.

Alongside that, on reflection, I think I have also been a bit of a self-centred (or family-centred?) pushy bastard at times and I’m starting to re-appraise my approach to business. Maybe some of Mum’s more forgiving and tolerant qualities are nagging at my conscience - I have a strong feeling she would have tackled some issues differently. I have never ever questioned my approach to life or my own attitudes more than I have done recently, but not in an overly negative or radical way. Feels nice to have your own positive devils advocate - if this is one of Mum’s parting gifts to me then it feels incredibly valuable.